You've probably seen and scored yourself on the Purity Test, the Talk.Bizarre test,
the Nerd test, and numerous others. And now, for the first time, we present the...
OFFICIAL COMP.SYS.MAC TEST (NOT)!
Based on the sayings and doings of the group over the recent months.
This April 1993 test may be out of date very soon - suggestions to /dev/null.
This test is scored purely on experience points. If you Can answer 'yes' to
a question, it's an experience point, and you should follow the indented related
questions. If you answer no, score nothing for that question, and look at the next
question at the same indentation level.
The more the points, the more your guru status, and the smugger you must be.
If you scored maximum points, you cheated.
This test is not for the humor... differently-abled.
:-) :-) :-)
HISTORY
Do you know how much the Lisa cost at launch?
Did you buy one?
Did you get rid of it eventually?
By donating it to a landfill for a tax break?
Do you know how much the Portable weighed at launch?
Did you buy one?
Did you ever lock your bicycle to it?
Did you get rid of it eventually?
By putting it down on soft ground to let it sink its own landfill?
Do you know how much memory the IIfx had at launch?
Did you buy one?
Did you get rid of it eventually?
By putting the wrong SCSI terminators on it?
PORTS
Do you know what SCSI is?
Can you pronounce it?
Do you own a SCSI device?
Do you own more than two SCSI devices?
Do you own more than eight SCSI devices?
Find out how far Can you stretch your SCSI chain and still have it work:
Two feet?
Four feet?
Eight feet?
Sixteen feet?
Have you ever got a SCSI chain to work?
Do you know how you Did it?
Have you dared alter it since?
Have you ever destroyed a SCSI device?
A) By plugging it in with the power on?
B) By jumping up and down on it because you couldn't get it work?
C) By trying B) after A)?
Do you know what ADB is?
Do you own an ADB device?
Do you own more than two ADB devices?
Do you own more than three ADB devices?
Have you ever destroyed an ADB device?
By plugging it in with the power on?
By wearing out your mouse?
Could you fix it?
Did you have Easy Access installed?
Did you use it?
Do you feel smug?
CRASHING
Did your System ever seem to take up a lot of memory?
Did you ever post asking why?
Did you follow yourself up, asking for no more replies, please?
Did you show off your knowledge by replying to someone else asking why?
Did they follow themselves up, asking for no more replies, please?
Do you think this will ever stop?
Do you now know what 32-bit addressing is?
Does your Mac crash when you turn it on?
Does your Mac refuse to start up if you turn it on?
Does your Mac crash when you turn it off?
Does your Mac refuse to start up if you turn it off?
Is it a programming error on your part?
Does your Mac crash anyway?
But only when it's turned on?
Do you resolve not to turn your Mac on?
Even for screensavers?
Is it a programming error on your part?
Did you install MacsBug?
Does it make you feel more confident?
Does your Mac seem to crash more often?
ESSENTIAL READING
Do you read Info-Mac digest?
Just the new submissions bits?
Have you read TidBITS?
With a setext reader?
With HyperCard?
Have you written for TidBITS?
Do you like penguins?
Did you read Vaporware?
Do you miss it?
Do you wish there was something to replace it?
Are you thinking of writing a replacement?
FIXING THINGS YOURSELF
Do you know what the desktop files are?
Have you ever rebuilt them?
And then rebuilt them again?
Did all your folders stay vanished?
Did Tune-Up 1.1.1 arrive just that little too late?
Did Disk First Aid 7.1 fix your hard disk?
Do you know what a bundle bit is?
Have you ever had to change one?
Did it make a difference?
Have you reformatted your hard disk to reclaim the unused space?
Did you remember to back up your hard disk first?
Onto another hard disk?
Did you accidentally formt that one too?
Could you use your hard disk afterwards?
Did you have exactly the same amount of space as before?
Do you know why?
Could you fix it?
Have you ever installed a third-party driver?
And wished you hadn't?
Could you de-install it?
Without losing data?
Do you feel smug?
SCREENSAVERS
Have you seen 'Star Trek' running?
On an Intel platform?
Do you like it?
Did you know 'Star Trek' wasn't a screensaver?
Do you really think screensavers are necessary, though?
Do you need a screensaver?
Do you use a screensaver?
Has your screensaver ever crashed your Mac?
Do you collect screensaver modules?
Does your Mac spend most of its time being a platform for screensavers?
Do you spend most of your time watching them?
Do you feel smug?
UPGRADING SYSTEM SOFTWARE
Did you upgrade to System 7?
And then downgrade to System 6?
Did you upgrade to System 7.1?
Did you pay for it?
Did you demand a refund?
Even after the Hardware Update arrived?
Are you using it with WorldScript?
Will you be using it with WorldScript when the bits you need finally arrive?
And you Can buy them in the country you live in?
Are you using it with an Enabler?
Do you feel safe?
Did you upgrade to System 6.0.6 to .8 or 7.0.1 on an SE or Plus with no hard disk?
And then downgrade to System 6.0.5 or less?
Did you install At Ease?
And then de-install it?
Could you figure out how to circumvent it?
Could anyone else you know?
Do you know what OmegaSANE is?
Do you want it?
Have you got it?
Did you alter your installed system in any way to get it?
By dusting off your set of Developer CD-ROMs and reinstalling the INIT?
Do you feel smug?
Do you know what a Ramdisk is?
Do you want one?
Have you got one?
Can you start up from one?
Does your Ramdisk plug into a Nubus slot?
Do you feel smug?
Do you know what a CD-ROM drive is?
Do you want one?
Have you got one?
Have you found a use for it?
(NOTE - Listening to music doesn't count)
Does it spend more time doing that than playing music?
Are you listening to it at work?
Do you feel smug?
Do you know what A/ROSE is?
Do you need it?
Do you know why you need it?
Do you know what DAL is?
Do you use it?
Do you like using it?
Do you know what A/UX is?
Have you installed it yourself?
Successfully?
Are you waiting for a release that will run on your hardware?
Do you think there'll be one?
Soon?
THE csm NEWSGROUPS
Do you read csm.advocacy?
Do you use a Mac?
Do you feel smug?
Do you use any other make of computer?
Is one of them an Amiga?
Do you find mac.advocacy more interesting than amiga.advocacy?
Because agreeing with yourself is boring?
Because you've always wanted a Mac?
But couldn't afford it?
Until now?
Do you think the Amiga's great for silent NTSC video work?
And that you have a pre-emptively multi-tasking television set?
Are the games great?
But intellectually challenging?
Is one of them a NeXT?
Do you ever wish you had your own advocacy group that people read?
Have you ever pointed out that Jobs begat it NeXT?
More than once?
Did you vote for Perot?
Do you think you're enlightened?
Do you feel really smug?
Have you ever set the followup of a thread to csm.advocacy?
Did it make its way back?
Did you post an April Fool announcement to csm.announce?
Did you take the phone off the hook when people started ringing you about it?
Do you think they have stopped ringing yet?
Are you planning to post an April Fool announcement to csm.announce?
Are you posting it now so that it gets everywhere in time for next April?
Are you leaving your phone number off it?
Did you vote for csm.powerbook?
Do you think it should be called csm.portable, though?
Did you vote against csm.powerbook?
Because it wasn't proposed as csm.portable?
Do you read csm.wanted?
For fun?
To play 'spot the overpriced equipment'?
Do you feel smug?
Do you read MacWorld?
For fun?
To play 'spot the mistake'?
Do you feel smug?
For free?
Do you feel smug?
THE PRODUCTS IN DETAIL
Did you buy a Mac LC?
Did you buy a 12" monitor with it?
Do you wish you hadn't?
Did you find someone to sell it to?
Did they buy it?
Did they demand a refund?
Did you give them the refund?
Are you hoping ColorSync will make it look more like a monitor?
Do you fear it won't?
Are you still using it?
Did you upgrade it to an LC II?
Do you think you've wasted 2Mb of RAM?
Are you considering upgrading to an LC III?
Are you feeling smug about not upgrading to an LC II?
Until you remember you'd have to buy new RAM?
Until you remember you'd have to buy a new coprocessor?
Until you remember you'd lose a floppy disk drive?
Are you waiting for an LC IV?
For an LC V?
For an LC VI?
Did you decide against buying a IIsi?
Do you feel smug?
Did you buy a Mac IIsi?
Are you waiting for a logic board exchange upgrade?
Do you think there'll be one?
Soon?
Has the sound stopped working?
And started working again?
And stopped working again?
And started working again?
Do you think this will ever stop?
Do you find it fretful?
Have you cleaned your speaker contacts?
Have you tinned your speaker contacts?
Are you wearing headphones?
Did you buy an expansion/coprocessor board?
Have you got anything to plug into it?
Did you put in a faster timing crystal?
Does your IIsi still work?
Even when you plug in an expansion/coprocessor board?
Have you adjusted your disk cache?
For optimum hard disk speed?
For optimum video speed?
For optimum floppy disk speed?
Do you really think you've made a difference?
Did you go back to System 6.0.7 or .8?
And then realise that hard disk speed was influenced by the desktop file
structure?
And go back to System 7?
And install the Desktop Manager INIT?
Did your Mac come with System 6.0.6?
On the Networking Products Installer disk?
Have you ever used the Networking Products Installer disk?
To install a networking product?
Did your Mac come with System:
On 400K disks?
On 800K disks?
On 1.4M disks?
On CD-ROM?
On these funny square plastic and metal things?
Did you make your own copy from the hard disk as soon as you unpacked the
Performa?
Do you wish you had?
Did you buy a Mac IIcx?
Did you upgrade it to a Mac IIci?
Do you have more than 5Mb of RAM?
Do you wonder where the speed went?
Are you considering upgrading to a Quadra 700?
Did you feel smug about not upgrading to a IIci?
Until you tried to get the 32-bit Enabler to work?
Did you go back to Mode 32?
Did you upgrade to 7.1 because of the 32-bit Enabler?
Did you demand a refund?
Did you buy a Colour Classic?
Would you like a tilt/swivel stand?
Will you legally require a tilt-swivel stand in the none-too-distant future?
Do you think it's ugly?
Do you think it's very ugly indeed?
Do you think it's very, very ugly indeed?
Could you design anything better-looking?
Do you know anything about injection-moulding?
Do you think there's a market in replacement cases?
Did you buy a Quadra 900?
Did it run TeachText really fast?
How long before it ran anything else you used really fast:
Two weeks?
One month?
Two months?
Three months?
A year?
Still waiting?
Did you buy a Quadra 950 instead?
Do you feel smug?
WORDPROCESSING
Do you use Microsoft Word?
Do you wait for it to update the screen?
And not only in preview mode?
Do you wait for it to load?
And not only off the server?
Do you scroll backwards and forwards looking for the lines of text it forgot
to show?
And not only in outline mode?
Did you have to program around Word's use of the ToolBox?
Did Microsoft apologise and say they'd fix it?
Did you believe them?
Did they fix it?
The way you suggested?
Did you grumble about a human-interface quirk?
Did Microsoft apologise and say they'd fix it?
Did you believe them?
Did they fix it?
The way you suggested?
Do you use MacWrite Pro?
Were you expecting it to be released?
Ever?
Were you surprised nonetheless?
Were you surprised nonetheless?
Were you alpha- or beta-testing it?
Were you expecting it to be released?
Ever?
Were you surprised nonetheless?
Did you write some of it?
Were you expecting it to be released?
Ever?
Were you surprised nonetheless?
Do you recognise any of it as your work?
Do you use Nisus?
Do you know anyone else who does too?
Do they know anyone else who does too?
Do you know what it is?
(NOTE: See section heading)
Do you use WriteNow?
Do you feel smug?
PRINTING
Do you use a StyleWriter?
Do you refill your own cartridges?
With your own ink?
Did you have to ask someone for a syringe?
Did they give you a dirty look?
Did they give you a syringe?
Did they give you a needle with it?
Do you use the StyleWriter II drivers?
Did you wait for the StyleWriter II before buying?
Are you smug?
Ever cleaned a head?
And wished you hadn't?
Have you ever printed out any boxes with crosses through them?
Do you know why?
Does it bother you?
Do you feel inferior?
Will you only feel bothered when the Level 2 driver ships?
Do you think there'll be one?
Soon?
Before Level 3 printers appear?
Are you looking forward to QuickDraw GX?
Do you think it should be called QuickDraw Pro?
Do you think it will include the Line Layout Manager?
Do you think it will include the new printing architecture?
BYEGONES
Do you miss MiniFinder?
Do you still use it?
Do you miss the Sonic Finder?
Do you still use it?
Did you write the Sonic Finder as a summer project?
Do you listen to MacinTalk?
Can you understand it?
Can you speak a reasonable imitation of it with your own voice?
(NOTE - this is the Gnirut Test. If you Can't, your Mac is smarter than you.)
GETTING A LIFE
Do you own any Apple merchandising?
Do you wear any Apple merchandising?
Did you have to buy it?
From that cute little shop in Cupertino at outrageous prices?
Do you get people to crochet stuffed Apples for you?
Did you have to pay them for it?
Have you ever stuck an "I'd rather be a Macintosh" sticker on your forehead?
Did anyone notice?
Do they have photographic evidence?
Are you being blackmailed?
Has anyone with the address ...@apple.com ever answered one of your queries?
Were you enlightened?
Is that still their address?
Have you ever answered a query from anyone with the address ...@apple.com?
Were they enlightened?
Is that still their address?
Has your address ever been ...@apple.com?
Are you enlightened?
Is that still your address?
Are you overworked?
Do you love it?
Are you overpaid?
Do you love it?
Are you overweight?
Do you love it?
Are you oversexed?
Do... oh, never mind.
SCORES
340 > You are greater than the oracle at Delphi. You must share your knowledge to benefit all mankind. You may call yourself a Mac Guru. And you must get a life.
300 - 339 Demi-Mac Guru, you are enlightened and you must also get a life.
270 - 299 So, how many did you actually answer truthfully?
230 - 269 You’re a sick little puppy!
190 - 229 You actually kept a score?!
150 - 189 You’re about par for the course.
115 - 149 Don’t worry this test doesn’t mean anything anyway. (yeah right!)
